Monday, December 30, 2013

Toilet Papering

There is a Missionary Mom's Club in my ward.
I have wanted to toilet paper EACH of their homes everyday for the past 3 years.
Costco would need to be my paper supplier as we have 33 missionaries currently serving from my ward.

My son is 21....and a half....and hasn't been on a mission because.... he has an addiction.

When he was 18, I wondered why he wasn't excited to fill out his papers. Then he turned 19 and all of his friends and cousins were leaving...... but not him. When he turned 20, the prophet made his historic announcement that 18 year olds could serve missions [ouch] and now he is 21....and a half. 

I have not endured this trial well. Addiction was not my goal for him. I have felt like there is a party going on and I wasn't invited.  

When I was a young mom I had all the answers on how to be a perfect parent....but now....I only know how to pray hard.

President Packer said, "There are few things more powerful than the faithful prayers of a righteous mother."

Jesus tells a parable of the Unrighteous Judge, where there is a judge who didn't care about God or man. A widow came to the judge and wanted help...but the judge didn't care about the woman. The woman persisted. The judge finally gave in only because he was tired of her petitions. The judge said, "Yet because this widow troubeleth me, I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me."
Then Jesus said, "And shall not God avenge his own elect, which cry day and night unto him....?"

God wearied of my petitions. My prayers plus the help of a patient bishop have created conditions for a miracle.----- My son has been assigned a mission and his call comes in THIS week! 

My cup runneth over.

Now I feel like toilet papering my own home... in JOY!!!


Thursday, December 26, 2013

Trauma Triggered

My husband asked me if I wanted to go on a business trip with him to Florida for a week.
The question triggered me into trauma.

The old me thinks: If I don't go, he will relapse.
The new me thinks: Not all the policing and loving in the world will stop him from relapsing.
The strong me thinks:  I'm not sure...maybe I have SOME control of the situation.

I decided not to go. It would be a big step as we are currently in a marriage separation.

That was 2 weeks ago and I haven't recovered from my trauma yet. I feel jittery, weak, anxious and keyed up.

I am told that a person in my situation is suffering from Post Tramatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The Mayo Clinic's definition of PTSD is: a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the events.
They go on to say that it's important to get treatment as soon as possible and that with time and self care things should improve.

I am getting lots of treatment--face to face therapy, online therapy, 12-step, my "tiger team", good books...But there are moments (or weeks) when all the support in the world is not enough.

In the past when I have worried over my loved ones I have pictured placing them in the arms of Christ and letting go of my worries over them...... as much as I can. It has helped.

I think today......I'm going to place myself in His arms and close my eyes ....and let much as I can.

Lost Lamb

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." -Jesus
                                                                                         Matt. 11:28

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Married without benefits

Today is my 29th wedding anniversary….. too bad my husband lives in a neighboring city.
----We are married without benefits.
 I invited him over to have dinner with us tonight to kinda celebrate that we are still married....that we haven't given up....yet.....
I know of another couple that also married in December. They celebrate each year by giving each other Christmas ornaments that represent the year that they just had together. If my husband and I had this tradition, we would have to give each other BLACK ornaments this year.
 It has been a bumpy 29 years. Pornography is destroying our marriage. I keep thinking that the problem has been eradicated but like the weed Morning Glory, it keeps growing back and chocking all the happiness, trust and love from our marriage.
My husband is not bad man, he is just sick and when other people are around sick people they ALSO get sick. My family needed some space between my husband so that we could begin to heal.....
I have been soo cold ever since I asked him to move out.------- I miss his warm smile and his warm sense of humor and how he always took my arm when were walking on ice. I miss his laugh. I miss his eyes. I miss having a soul mate to talk to. I also miss cuddling with him in bed at night. .
I couldn’t pile the blankets high enough on the bed to keep me warm so I went out and bought an electric blanket....... Then I missed my husband around again.... to set it up!
The directions were in Spanish but there was a picture. I just had to plug a chord into the bottom of the blanket, feed a couple of tangled chords under the foot of the bed to the head and place a control on each side of the bed. Viola! I plugged it in, turned on the control on my side of the bed and waited……..
 No heat.
 I turned it up higher. No heat. I checked the other side of the bed ……..and it was HOT!
WHY is it that the controls were affecting the WRONG side of the bed?
How symbolic!
He acts out. I am in trauma.
He acts out. My hair falls out in clumps.
He acts out. I cry till there are no tears left.
I am reading the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. In it it says, “…….things don’t change in a marriage until the spouse who is taking responsibility for a problem that is not hers decides to say or do something about it.  This can range from mentioning how her spouse’s behavior hurts her feelings, all the way to setting a limit on the behavior. This helps place both the sowing and the reaping with the same person and begins to solve the boundary violation.”
That’s what I need to do. I’m going to flip the blanket and set some boundaries.
My controls will affect my side of the bed and his controls will affect his side of the bed....hypothetically of course since pornography has stolen my husband and I sleep alone.
Next year will be our 30th wedding anniversary. I hope by then we will both be in a healthier and stronger place....and that we will be married with benefits.


Sunday, December 22, 2013

And His Name Shall Be Called.....

This Christmas season my halls will only be half decked, Santa Clause will come down thru the chimney with less toys, and there is little energy left to ring the jingle bells but I am with wondering awe as I have focused more on the little babe born away in a manger.

I know that He was born for me and you and he will not leave us alone during our hard times.
Even though my Christmas this year is not going to be picture perfect, I have felt more PEACE, LOVE and JOY as I have had to focused on Christ. He is known by many names but the one that I love the best is "Savior". He is my Savior and my husband's Savior. I trust his plan for us.

One of my favorite gifts this year is a 12 Days of Christmas gift from a caring friend. It was delivered as an open-wrapped gift with 12 wrapped gifts inside. Each day I get to unwrap one red ornament which has a different name of Christ on it. The gifts also includes related scriptures and videos from Sometimes I open the ornament and watch the video all by myself and sometimes I include my family. Every package is little balm-for-my-soul gift each day......something we all need so I'm passing this soul balm onto you. If you don't have time to watch each of least watch this one:

Wishing you a very Christ-filled Christmas!


1st Day 
2nd Day 
3rd Day
4th Day  song/poem
5th Day
6th Day
7th  Day

Friday, December 20, 2013

Steel Magnolia

Hello, this is Rose. I just want to say the my sister is one of my very favorite people. This trial has magnified her strength, beauty, faith, hope, kindness, cheerfulness, sense of humor, and ability to stay sane amidst insanity. When I think of her, I think of the term steel magnolia.  

I also wanted to share with you a really awesome film in the making. I am passionate about this film! It addresses pornography addicts in a loving, Christlike way and tries to reveal the harmful consequences while encouraging openness and honesty. Secrecy and shame only feed porn addiction, which might be why it appears to run more rampant in Christian communities. Click here for a teaser they made during a fundraiser.


Friday, December 13, 2013

I Have Become A Liar!

I can look anyone straight in the eye….. without even a twitch …..and tell them “I’m FINE”
 ......even though I'm far from fine.
 I'm terrified!

............Do people ever recover from addictions?????

 My neighbors, friends and family don’t even know that I have addicts in my family and that my husband has moved out.
 How could they know?
I look fine. 
They trust me.
They shouldn’t-----I’ve become a liar. ----I have to hide my "secrets".

My Christmas cards will go out in the mail tomorrow. They are picture perfect. My husband and I have our arms around each other and our kids are linked with us. We are ALL smiles. The annual write-up will give our loved ones a warm cozy feeling and a couple of laughs. I wish that I could tell everyone the real story of how we are doing.

I received a very memorable and honest Christmas card a few years ago from a friend who decided to let her loved ones know their real story.
 Here are some excerpts:

“Do you ever get those yearly Christmas letters that depress you because everything is so perfect? can make you feel very small….Well, this will be one Christmas letter that will not make you feel small!  Our …children are causing us grief. [Our daughter] is a single mom…..she has been living apart from her husband for about two years and just told us she is pregnant again. [Our other daughter] lives with her boyfriend…..He is from Chile…….[Our son] and his wife haven’t had a harmonious relationship with us for the last couple years….As you can see, our family is not likely to be featured in the Ensign. We are disappointed that we don’t have the ideal Mormon family, but that’s just the way it is right now……We personally rely on the Savior’s Atonement to heal and cleanse us and know that eventually He can heal our children and all of God’s children. ….That is our Christmas message to you.”

That is my Christmas message too:

 I KNOW that our Savior loves each of us and can heal us all--I TRUST His plan!

Next year I hope my life will be in a better place….but if not…maybe I’ll send out a Christmas card with the real story too.............nah...probably not. :)


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

My Very Favorite Scripture

"Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not."
                                                    -the Lord
    -D&C 6:36


Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Victoria's dirty little secret

From one of my favorite websites today:

"Good Morning America, Letterman, cable news, and so many more will be raving about the cultural event that is the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show tonight on CBS. While they're normalizing it as something everyone should enjoy (because they're paid to promote it), we're revealing the truth about what this endless stream of objectified, idealized female bodies does to viewers' self-perceptions and even their sex lives. Please help us share this research-driven post and image to help shine some light on the reality of VS's harmful marketing! Read our post and find this image here (PIN IT!): "


Monday, December 9, 2013

I Saw an Angel in the Temple!


     I’m pretty sure that I saw an angel last time I went to the temple…… She even talked to me.
     My purpose in attending the temple that day was to find out God’s will for me and my handsome addict husband.  I was going to sit in the Celestial room until He gave me some direction…so I sat and prayed and prayed and sat… and …..NOTHING! No whisper, no inspiration, no NADA.
      Feeling like heaven was closed for me on that day I got up from the comfy white chair and was about to leave the Celestial room when a temple worker dressed in white intercepted me with a question. I can’t remember what her first question was but she pulled me into a conversation where I learned some cool things about her like that she has 11 kids! I felt safe enough with this stranger to confide to her my “secret”. She responded by telling me that she had the same “secret” -----her husband is also an addict. She said that for a while he was excommunicated because of his related bad choices. Then she said, “Stay with him. It will all be worth it.” She told me that her husband had been re-baptized and was working that day in the temple too.
     Was she an angel from heaven or an angel on earth?…I don’t know.
     I have since asked my husband to move out ….because …..I want to stay with him. I know that makes no sense. I explained to my handsome husband that we have not been walking on a straight path towards heaven together. He keeps taking side trails that look more enticing. I feel that this marital separation is a necessary step on the path of being MARRIED FOREVER in the Celestial Kingdom.  This is a time for me to work on MY recovery and for him to work on HIS recovery and then we can work on the recovery of our marriage after that.
     A few weeks ago my husband had an appointment with the bishop. My 14 year old asked, “Why?” and I told her that the bishop helps keep our family on the “straight and narrow.” She then replied. “I want to stay on the wide and crooked.” 
     I wonder if my temple angel has advice on raising teenagers too….