Thursday, March 20, 2014

What I have learned.

This will probably be my last post for a while.
I've got to unplug from the Internet and plug into my teenagers more. They'll hate it but it will be GREAT! :)

But before I go, I want to share an update on where I'm at-----My husband and I have been separated for the last 6 months. I first asked him to sleep in the guest bedroom but then I asked him to move out. It was good for me and him to have some space to read, think and heal.

Sometimes people don't change until the pain of changing is less than the pain of remaining the same.

 Recently I invited him to move back home.
My soul missed him. 
He has worked really hard, has done some courageous things and as a result is in recovery.
Things are not perfect but I believe at this point that
we can work on things better together, hand-in-hand, than apart.

I hate to brag here but this trial has been long and excruciatingly hard but I feel proud of my self. I did a pretty good job of keeping my side of the street clean. I've been kind and loving through it all.
And because he likes my meatloaf, my homemade bread and me, he came back a better man.

Since this is my last post, I want to share some of the things that I have learned over the past 6 months from LifeStar, therapy and God.

  • I am just where I need to be. God has customized challenges for each of us. He knows just how to sanctify, purify and perfect his kids.
  • Doing more than I should, fixing others problems, taking the consequences from others and doing things I don't want to do for others is being an ENABLER...this is my talent if I have any. I am trying to fix this in me.
  • My intuitions are usually dead on.
  • I have a voice and it's okay to use it to stand up for righteousness.
  • Living in the present is where the gift of happiness is found.
  • 5 deep breaths are good medicine for hard moments.
  • God loves me. Why else would he bother to create a snowflake, a daisy or a mango?
  • Self Care = eating a bowl of ice-cream while doing yoga and whatever else sounds fun to me.
  • I am not better than anyone else but no one is more incredible than me.
  • Stressing out makes my body hurt.
  • Sisterhood is powerful. I love my daughters, my mother, my biological sisters, my RS sisters and my dear friends.
  • I can be okay no matter what choices my loved ones make.
  • I'm not a victim. My husband is not a victim. We are stronger than that.
  • I need to be the REAL me.
  • Recovery can be expensive.
  • The SA 12-step group is divine. My husband loves his brotherhood there. I love that they sing Happy Birthday to each member when they hit the year anniversaries of their sobriety. :)
  • Bishops are great First Responders. They can listen, assess the problem and provide outside resources for deeper healing. I've been to lots of bishops over this same problem and it's always nice to leave some of my pain on their desk and walk out feeling a little better. My current bishop has been fabulous. On my last visit he introduced me to this video:

and the story behind it:

I still have so much to learn.
I am thankful that I can change and be better tomorrow than I am today.
I will continue to fight for a healthy husband, a healthy marriage,
a healthy family and a healthy ME.

~daisy unplugged

"With him is an arm of flesh; but with us is the Lord our god to help us, and to fight our battles." --2 Chr. 32:8

Friday, March 7, 2014

Do we like the term "WoPAs"?

WoPAs (Wives of Porn Addicts)

When I was in labor with my first child, I remember standing with my nose to a brick wall in the hospital and feeling my Spirit trying to pull away from my body. I just couldn't take the pain any longer.
When I look at the term "WoPA" I feel a similar pull to separate myself from that term.

I think I don't like this label for 3 reasons---

First, the word looks and sounds UGLY.
To this point I have not met an ugly wife or an ugly loved one of a lust addict.
Our lust addicts make some poor choices but the one thing that they do well is choose beautiful, smart and strong companions. REALLY they do! We deserve a name that reflects how amazing we are. The word "Wopa" doesn't mean anything (in English) but the word "Wop" is a contemptuous term for an Italian or other southern European.
It just doesn't fit.

Second, I'm not married to just a porn addict----He is a lust addict. His career of being an addict didn't start with porn and it didn't end with porn. Porn was just part of the issue.
Do we call a Chef a Steak cook? Do we call a Mom a Carpool Driver? Do we call an alcoholic a Coor's addict?

Third, Wopa is a term for just Wives. We are not all wives of lust addicts. Some of us are former wives, mothers, spouses, daughters, sisters and lovers.

Is there a pretty acronym that would reflect how amazing we are and would be a bigger umbrella to cover all of us loved ones that are affected by this problem?

How about LoLA. (Loved One of a Lust Addict).
"Lola" means "Strong Woman" and it also means "Sorrow".

In the Urban Dictionary it says, "This is the type of girl that once she’s in your heart she’ll stay there for ever; she’s everything a guy could ever want/need.... This girl is hard to come by, if you’ve got this girl you’re the luckiest guy in the world." also sounds like a name of a stripper.....
I guess.... I don't have the answer to this issue. 

Ye shall be patient in long-suffering and afflictions, that ye may show forth good examples unto them in me, and I will make an instrument of thee in my hands unto the salvation of many souls. --Alma 17:11

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Brawny Muscles

As I flex my growing SPIRITUAL muscles, I notice how they are becoming more sinewy, brawny, burly, rugged and athletic. My new strength reminds me of this popular inspiring story among us 12-steppers:

A man was sleeping when suddenly his room filled with light and Jesus appeared.
The Lord told the man He had a great work for him to do and showed him
 a large rock in front of his cabin. He explained that the man was to push
 against the rock with all his might. So the man did faithfully, day after day.
 For months he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold,
massive surface of the unmoving rock pushing with all his might. Each
night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his
whole day had been spent in vain. Seeing that the man was discouraged
Satan lied saying, "You have been pushing for a long time and it
hasn't budged. Why kill yourself? Your Lord is playing a cruel joke on
After weeks of hearing such lies, the man became disheartened as

he started to believe the task was impossible and that he was a failure.
"This is stupid!" he thought. "I'll just put in my time, give the minimum
and do just enough to get by."
One day he decided to pray. "Lord, I
have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to
do that which you have asked. Yet, I have not even budged that rock.
Why am I failing and, more importantly, why have You failed me?"

The Lord responded tenderly, "My son, when I called you to follow Me
I also promised to do what is best for your life and you said you would
trust Me. So I told you to simply push against the rock. Not once did I
tell or expect you to move it. And now you come to Me thinking that you
have failed. But, is that so? Look how you have grown. Your arms are
strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown, your legs have
become massive and hard, your heart humble and disciplined, and your
mind focused and purposed. Through opposition you have grown and
matured. True, you have not moved the rock. But your calling was to
obediently push and to faithfully trust in My wisdom. This you have
done. Rest my son, as I will now move the rock."

I have been pushing on my rock for 30 years. I've kicked it, put my back into it, had others try to help me with it, cried on it but ....NO GO.
I gave it EVERY thing I had until I had nothing left to push with. Even then I pushed.
Recently my rock  has begun to roll.
It's a miracle--Thanks be to God.

"Therefore, dearly beloved [sisters], let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." --D&C 123:17