My Boundaries

My Rights and Boundaries

I fell in love with my husband and married him not knowing that there was an addiction problem. I have done my best to love the problem away and it has not helped. My heart can no longer bear all the issues associated with this addiction. I deserve a faithful, honest and kind husband. I am not trying to control my husband...only to protect my heart.

I will no longer allow my husband's bad behaviors to dominate my life.

If I feel manipulated, shunned, bullied, mocked or punished, then I will naturally need emotional distance from my husband. If it’s bad enough then I will not be sleeping with him in the marriage bed--He will need to sleep in the guest bed. I will also turn to my Tiger Team for support.

I have a right to have a faithful husband. If he sexually cheats on me in any form, then I will naturally need emotional, physical and sexual distance from him and he will need to sleep in the guest bed. I may also need to turn to my tiger team for support.

I have a right to have an honest husband. If I uncover a lie in any form, then I will ask my husband to move out until I feel safe with him again. It’s not possible to build a strong marriage without trust. If he cheats on me and doesn't confess within 24 hours, it will be considered lying and I will invite him to move out. During that space I will work on my own healing.

I have a right to live with a husband who is working on his recovery. 
What recovery looks like to me is :

• attending 12-step groups weekly
• working the 12-steps individually
• visiting a therapist when needed
• reaching out to a sponsor and others; not isolating
• initiating check-in's with me and being transparent; not putting on a facade
• staying emotionally connected
• actively working the 12th step especially with his sons.

 If I feel that recovery efforts stall or stop then I will take a break from my marriage and ask my husband to move out. If my husband decides to get sucked back into sexually acting out and lying then I will be leaving this marriage---- 34 years of warnings and waiting for a husband in recovery is long enough.

I have a right to live in a porn-free home. If I discover devices that have been used for viewing porn then I will put a filter on them or destroy them. Since I don't trust my husband right now, if he looks at the Internet while home alone, I will not allow him to sleep in the fidelity bed with me--he will need to sleep in the guest room until I feel centered again.

I have a right to feel loved for more than just my body. If I feel any pressure or resentment from my husband in sexual matters or if I feel that my body is the main source of attraction, I will take sex off the table, until I feel like he loves me for more than my body.
I have the right to distance myself from ornery people. If my husband decides to be ornery for whatever reason, I will distance myself in love and provide self-compassion until he is re-centered and I feel safe enough to emotionally engage with him again.

These boundaries are to keep me on the path of my own recovery and they are subject to change as needed.

These boundaries may seem harsh and complicated but in reality things are simple. ----If my husband is GOOD and KIND then he won't need to worry about bumping up against any boundaries.