Morning Glory / Recovery Dailies

 There is a Spanish phrase that goes, "Mala hierba nunca muere" meaning "a bad weed never dies" and I believe this is true when it comes to the weed of Morning Glory in my garden. It does have a glorious name and a pretty white to purple flower but it twists around all my other plants, retards their potential and eventually chokes them to death. Morning Glory spreads rapidly and is almost impossible to eradicate. If you pull it up by it's roots...it looks gone for a few days but it comes back and sometimes it can even re-appear years later. The only way that I have found to keep Morning Glory from destroying my garden is by spending a little time in my garden daily--protecting the fruit.

Morning Glory reminds me of pornography--it too spread rapidly and is almost impossible to eradicate. I believe that pornography is Satan's atomic bomb. It destroys a soul's potential and blows families apart. Is it a coincidence that Son of the Morning (Satan) and Morning Glory share a common name?

You hear many women talk about "D-day" which means the day that they discovered that their loved one has been cheating and deceiving them. In the military "D-day" means the designated day that a military attack is to begin. Either way, for a woman who loves someone who is addicted to lust, the discovery feels like a personal attack causing her to experience symptoms of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Many woman talk about D-day like it was a one-time event. For me it has happened almost every 5 years of my 30-year marriage and it blows the ground out from under my feet every time. This last time it took me a while to climb back out of that hole. Now that I am out, I am going to counter attack the effects of pornography and lust doing just what I do to keep Morning Glory out of my garden, by tending to my "garden" daily.

 Here is my action plan:

Maintain my Support System--

Tomato plants need cages to support them. Green beans need a trellis to climb up on and Loved Ones of Lust Addicts need safe people to stabilize them. Isolation is lonely and static. I have spent years keeping secrets and not letting anyone look into my eyes for fear they would see my black hole of pain. It's a lonely dead place. Reaching out is how we grow and heal. Our support can be our 12-step groups, our sponsors, private forums, a therapist, a clergy leader, close friends or family members (or all of the above!). This support system can hold us steady when we have to communicate TRUTH to our loved ones and we know that we will be gas-lighted, blamed and punished in response. Having support helps lift us when we have to make hard decisions that feel like we are defying gravity. Consider a grape cluster without support-- The plant would collapse and all the fruit would rot on the ground.

Build and Maintain Boundaries-

 Boundaries help keep the good in and the weeds out. They are complicated and involve hard work. Most of the time our boundaries need to be unique to our own circumstances. Boundaries also help keep us from trying to weed others' gardens where we interrupt the law of sowing and reaping for them. This just slows down the recovery process for everyone.

Regularly Prevent Weeds-

Filters help keep weed seeds from entering the water system. The best filters to keep pornography out of our homes are love and connection with our loved ones. After that it is good to set up some commercial filters on our computers and devices. I like Open DNS because it is free and it helps filter every Internet device in the home. I have set up several filters, I check them regularly. There is no way to block all bad content from coming into a modern-day home. I have to accept that because, if I run around trying to plug every hole and policing everyone, it sends me to the Crazy House. If God wants me to know something, He will show me but having some basic filters is being responsible and gives peace of mind.

Fertilize-

 I nourish myself daily by trying to eat real food, drinking lots of water, being active, doing lots of self care, serving and making lists of things that I like to do and doing them. For years I lost myself in this addiction while I was consumed with trying to keep my husband happy and sin-free. I never succeeded. This is not my job--I am not his clown or his Holy Ghost. It has been an exciting exploration process as I have been nurturing, strengthening, un-thawing and finding me again.

Seek Sunshine--

 FEAR is a God blocker--I try to surrender (and re-surrender) to God the things that are out of my control. I pray daily, I read my scriptures before I get on any social media....daily, I journal and try to enjoy God's creations to the fullest...especially food.  ;-) I try to find as many ways to let God's light into my life as possible. Having a healthy garden takes a lot of work!

I have tried and tried to give Morning Glory and Pornography a slow, painful and agonizing death. The only thing that works for me is to spend time everyday protecting the fruits of my life and garden. I can still see the weeds outside of my garden but I am going to do my best to not let them in and let the Master Gardener take care of the rest.

Today as I was out in my garden hoeing, my husband came out and joked,

 "Are you OUT-STANDING in your field?"

As a matter of fact, with daily work, I AM!  ;-)

 --Daisy

I have a garden, a secret garden, 
Where thot's like flowers grow day by day; 
'Tis I must choose them, and tend and use them, 
And cast all wrong ones like weeds a way.
 Goodness and love are seeds that I sow;
God up above will help me I know,
To keep my garden, my heart's own garden,
A place where beauty will always grow.
--From the old orange Sing With Me primary song book.
Written by Maryhale Woolsey

*All photos from my own little garden.  :-)

 

Feeling the Burn

I have been married to a sex addict for 29 years. We’ve spent enough money on therapists to buy a small castle in Ireland. I should have bought the castle because recovery work with addicts is slow going…at least in my case. For all these years I have felt like my husband has been the problem….”If only he would change, things would be good.”  “It is NOT me who is the problem!”

 …….or so I thought!

I now am ready to take responsibility for my part of the problem----like most other good women, I FORGIVE TOO EASILY! I thought forgiving was a virtue but if you touch a hot stove and don’t get burned you don’t learn your lesson. My husband has had little consequences for his acting out during our marriage. There is a common saying among therapists which says that, “People don’t change until the pain of not changing is greater than the pain of changing.” So with Heaven’s blessing, I asked my husband to move out.

There are no laurel classes or additional Relief Society meetings on “How to separate from your husband.” Extracting your other half after 30 years is excruciatingly painful. For a few days I felt like vomiting blood. I miss him. Sometimes I sleep on his side of the bed for comfort. I worry that he might be feeling some HURT because of my decision to have him move out. ISN’T THAT CRAZY?????. He has hurt me deeply over and over but I don’t want him to feel any pain.

…….I may need therapy for 29 MORE years!

I have felt like I have been in a tug-o-war with Satan for the soul of my husband…….but maybe I have been in a tug-o-war with the Lord. So I’m letting go of my husband and letting Him take over.

 I love the scripture story found in 2 Kings 6 where the Syrian army was sent to kill Elisha, the prophet. The Syrian soldiers, horses and chariots surrounded his house by night. When Elisha’s servant looked out the window the next morning, he was terrified and he asked Elisha what they should do. Elisha then said, “Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them” (2 Kgs. 6:16). Then God opened the servant’s eyes and he saw “the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha” (2 Kgs. 6:17).

I hope these chariots of fire are out there to help rescue my husband and others who are struggling with addictions. The odds are against my marriage working out but I have faith that it will and I know that “With God all things are possible.” (Matt. 19:26)

On our first visit with our NEWEST therapist together (therapist #7), the therapist looked at me and said, “You are going to be in for a treat when your husband becomes sexually sober.------You will have the husband you have always dreamed of….but never had.”

A few days ago the doorbell rang and a big beautiful poinsettia plant was delivered to my door……from my husband….I wonder if he is finally feeling the burn.

--Daisy